My Bottom Ten Films of 2014

The Bottom Ten (okay, twelve) Films of 2014

1). Left Behind (2014)   How bad is this film? It makes the Kirk Cameron's film (of the same name) from 2000 seem like a masterpiece. This film should have been at least fun to watch because Nicolas Cage can chew scenery with the best of them. Sadly, he looks as if he was severely depressed and possibly on medication while making the film, and he seemed to make no effort to show any emotion. The film is summed up by a Photo-Shopped picture of a family that is so bad it looks as if it was done by a four-year-old with a dial-up modem and a fax machine.

2). Tusk (2014) It was painful and gross to watch this film, as a podcaster (Justin Long) is (spoiler alert) turned slowly into a walrus by a mysterious seafarer (Michael Parks). It's sad how far down writer / director Kevin Smith has come from his glory days of Clerks (1994) and Chasing Amy (1997).

3). Dumb and Dumber To (2014) What made this such a disappointment to watch is how this film totally lost the fun and sweetness of the first film. This film isn't funny and is mean spirited.  Lloyd and Harry, who used to be lovable, now just play horrible practical jokes on each other.

4). Ouija (2014) I think a movie based on "Chutes and Ladders" would have been scarier than this film. The plot never makes sense and is completely confusing. It's if the filmmakers wrote this script on the board itself.

5). Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014) When Megan Fox is on the screen more than the Turtles, you know you have problems. The filmmakers were convinced that they had to explain everything along the way, going overboard when the opening credits told the story that they then took the next fifteen minutes to explore again.

6).  And So it Goes (2014) It's hard to make a romantic comedy where the male lead (Michael Douglas) plays a character we actually hate. Yes, I know he is supposed to be changed by the love a good woman (Diane Keaton), but by the time it happens, we just don't care anymore. In fact, I want to yell at Keaton's character to run away as fast as she can. Unfortunately, I didn't heed my own advice.

7). Tammy (2014) At one point I started to feel sorry for Melissa McCarthy, handicapped by a bad script and poor jokes, until I remembered that she and her husband were responsible for this dreck of a film. It's a sad thing when the outtakes shown during the credits are the only funny parts.

8). Transformers: Age of Extinction (2014) It you love movies with loads of bad dialog and action sequences that make no sense, then this is the movie for you. The script feels as if Michael Bay just followed his son around while he played with some toys and took notes. The film is one long product placement movie that would be a great drinking game...the only way you will enjoy it.

9). Legends of Oz: Dorothy’s Return (2014) This sort of sequel to the Wizard of Oz will bore the kids by the first song (Good news - you will never buy the soundtrack.), and parents will want to leave by the end of the opening credits. Poor storytelling and even worse songwriting make this film so painful to watch.

10A). Transcendence (2014) I never cared if the researcher (played by Johnny Depp) ever got out of the computer he inhabits after he dies (don't ask how that happens). This is one of those films that I wanted to be over five minutes after it started.

10B). The Bag Man (2014) You would think a film noir movie that takes place in the Louisiana swamp and stars John Cusack and Robert De Niro would at least be watchable, but you would be wrong. Horrible dialog and plot that just never gets moving makes this film one of the worst of the year.

10C). Blended (2014) It wouldn't be a worst films of the year list without Mr. Adam Sandler. Sandler likes to make films where he can take his family on vacation. A couple of years ago, it was Hawaii with the horrible Just Go With It (2011). This year, it’s a film about two single-parent families who mistakenly go on an African vacation. The film felt like it was three hours long, had almost no funny material and couldn’t decide if it was a kid’s movie or a film for frat boys. So it did both, poorly.

Dishonorable Mention: Dracula Untold, Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day, The Judge, Annabelle, The Hero of Color City, The Man on Her Mind, The Identical, Jersey Boys, Need for Speed, 3 Days to Kill, The Nut Job, The Legend of Hercules, Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones  

Transformers: Age of Extinction

My View:  Transformers: Age of Extinction (2014)  PG-13 Four years after the invasion of Chicago, a mechanic (Mark Wahlberg) and his daughter (Nicola Peltz) find a broken down semi -truck. It turns out the truck is a deactivated Optimus Prime.  The mechanic fires up the truck and starts a chain of events that could destroy the world. If you like dumb, pointless movies with loads of bad dialogue and action sequences that make no sense, then this is your movie. It’s one long (almost three hours) mess of a film franchise that has never valued its human actors over the robots.  The first third of the film was promising, as we got to know Wahlberg’s character and his first interactions with Optimus.  But, by the end, we really don’t care what happens. Yes, there are robots riding dinosaur robots, but, at this point, we don’t care, and  we just want all the robot violence to end. By the there are so many product placement products in this film, it would make a great drinking game.  The film is not worth seeing in 3-D, and there are no bonus scenes during the credits. Mr. Bay, I would like my 3 hours back, now!  My Rating: You Would Have to Pay Me to See it Again  Transformers: Age of Extinction Website

Indiefest:  Obvious Child (2014) R A standup comedian (Jenny Slate) gets dumped by her boyfriend in the bathroom of a comedy club. She finds out that her day job, at a bookstore she loves, is closing.  After doing a miserable standup routine while drunk, she meets a nice guy and sleeps with him.  A few weeks later she discovers that she is pregnant and makes the decision to have an abortion. Now, the question is, does she tell her parents, and, more importantly, the guy she slept with? This is a downright funny film, and Jenny Slate is perfect in the role of a girl with a wicked sense of humor whom you just can’t help rooting for.  The film is getting a lot of attention due to the topic of abortion is the centerpiece of the film, but it’s really a movie about relationships.  How we try to hang on to old ones, how we need our close friends and family for support, and how we must be open to new ones is what this film is about.  I laughed throughout this romantic comedy, finding myself falling in love with Jenny Slate, and I think you will too.  My Rating: Full Price  Obvious Child Website

Indiefest:  Ivory Tower (2014)  PG-13 A documentary about the high cost of college and dealing with the mounting problem of student loans. This is an interesting film that looks at the high cost of higher education and how the student loan system has become such a big business.  What I liked about this film is it explores a number of solutions to the problem, whether it be online education or non-traditional education (like a college in Death Valley that is on a working ranch). It’s a film that any parent needs to see and the debt of student loans (more than the credit card debt in this country) is something that needs to be explored. My Rating: Full Price  Ivory Tower Website

Indiefest:  We Are the Best! (2013) Three girls, Bobo (Mira Barkhammar), Klara (Mira Grosin) and Hedvig (Liv LeMoyne) in 1980’s decide to form a punk band.  The only problem - they can’t play any instruments. Oh, and, by the way, they are told that punk is dead.  This is a joy of a film to watch as the three actress give incredible performances.  Grosin, who plays the outspoken Klara, pinballs from scene to scene with energy of a girl who wants to get everything she can out of life.  LeMoyne, playing the more restrained Hedvig, has real musical talent and a nice presence on screen.  The film relies on Barkhammar as Bobo, to carry the film and she does so with ease.  The musical soundtrack  helps the film move along, using old punk songs from the late 70’s and early eighties.  This is one of those films that you are glad you spent some time with the characters. My Rating: I Would Pay to See it Again  We Are the Best! Website  

Forgotten Film:  Tie Me Up! Tie Me Down!  (1989) NC-17 A former mental patient (Antonio Banderas) seeks out a former lover (Victoria Abril), who happens to be an actress and part-time porn star.  When she rebukes his marriage proposal, he kidnaps her and holds her prisoner.  This film isn’t for everybody, but I found it funny and extremely witty.  Banderas is the best he has ever been in this film and has chemistry with Abril, who plays the woman he is trying to make love him, even though his methods are a bit extreme. Directed by Pedro Almodovar, it’s a film that never takes itself seriously. It’s a movie that just should be enjoyed. My Take:  Full Price  Tie Me Up, Tie Me Down! Info

 

Weird Credits:  From the credits of Transformers: Age of Extinction: sculptor gang boss

 

Coming Soon to a Theatre Near You:  Boyhood (2014) R The buzz from critics on this Richard Linklater film is hitting a fever pitch.  The film about a boy growing up, was shot over a 12 year time period. The film stars Ellar Coltrane, Patricia Arquette, Ethan Hawke, and  Elijah Smith. Boyhood Website

Until Next Time!