My Bottom Ten Films of 2014

The Bottom Ten (okay, twelve) Films of 2014

1). Left Behind (2014)   How bad is this film? It makes the Kirk Cameron's film (of the same name) from 2000 seem like a masterpiece. This film should have been at least fun to watch because Nicolas Cage can chew scenery with the best of them. Sadly, he looks as if he was severely depressed and possibly on medication while making the film, and he seemed to make no effort to show any emotion. The film is summed up by a Photo-Shopped picture of a family that is so bad it looks as if it was done by a four-year-old with a dial-up modem and a fax machine.

2). Tusk (2014) It was painful and gross to watch this film, as a podcaster (Justin Long) is (spoiler alert) turned slowly into a walrus by a mysterious seafarer (Michael Parks). It's sad how far down writer / director Kevin Smith has come from his glory days of Clerks (1994) and Chasing Amy (1997).

3). Dumb and Dumber To (2014) What made this such a disappointment to watch is how this film totally lost the fun and sweetness of the first film. This film isn't funny and is mean spirited.  Lloyd and Harry, who used to be lovable, now just play horrible practical jokes on each other.

4). Ouija (2014) I think a movie based on "Chutes and Ladders" would have been scarier than this film. The plot never makes sense and is completely confusing. It's if the filmmakers wrote this script on the board itself.

5). Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014) When Megan Fox is on the screen more than the Turtles, you know you have problems. The filmmakers were convinced that they had to explain everything along the way, going overboard when the opening credits told the story that they then took the next fifteen minutes to explore again.

6).  And So it Goes (2014) It's hard to make a romantic comedy where the male lead (Michael Douglas) plays a character we actually hate. Yes, I know he is supposed to be changed by the love a good woman (Diane Keaton), but by the time it happens, we just don't care anymore. In fact, I want to yell at Keaton's character to run away as fast as she can. Unfortunately, I didn't heed my own advice.

7). Tammy (2014) At one point I started to feel sorry for Melissa McCarthy, handicapped by a bad script and poor jokes, until I remembered that she and her husband were responsible for this dreck of a film. It's a sad thing when the outtakes shown during the credits are the only funny parts.

8). Transformers: Age of Extinction (2014) It you love movies with loads of bad dialog and action sequences that make no sense, then this is the movie for you. The script feels as if Michael Bay just followed his son around while he played with some toys and took notes. The film is one long product placement movie that would be a great drinking game...the only way you will enjoy it.

9). Legends of Oz: Dorothy’s Return (2014) This sort of sequel to the Wizard of Oz will bore the kids by the first song (Good news - you will never buy the soundtrack.), and parents will want to leave by the end of the opening credits. Poor storytelling and even worse songwriting make this film so painful to watch.

10A). Transcendence (2014) I never cared if the researcher (played by Johnny Depp) ever got out of the computer he inhabits after he dies (don't ask how that happens). This is one of those films that I wanted to be over five minutes after it started.

10B). The Bag Man (2014) You would think a film noir movie that takes place in the Louisiana swamp and stars John Cusack and Robert De Niro would at least be watchable, but you would be wrong. Horrible dialog and plot that just never gets moving makes this film one of the worst of the year.

10C). Blended (2014) It wouldn't be a worst films of the year list without Mr. Adam Sandler. Sandler likes to make films where he can take his family on vacation. A couple of years ago, it was Hawaii with the horrible Just Go With It (2011). This year, it’s a film about two single-parent families who mistakenly go on an African vacation. The film felt like it was three hours long, had almost no funny material and couldn’t decide if it was a kid’s movie or a film for frat boys. So it did both, poorly.

Dishonorable Mention: Dracula Untold, Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day, The Judge, Annabelle, The Hero of Color City, The Man on Her Mind, The Identical, Jersey Boys, Need for Speed, 3 Days to Kill, The Nut Job, The Legend of Hercules, Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones  

Gone Girl

My View:  Gone Girl  (2014)  R  A husband (Ben Affleck) comes home to find a smashed coffee table and his wife (Rosamund Pike) missing.  As the media intensifies, the husband quickly goes from victim to villain. Is he really responsible for his wife missing?  This is one of the best films I have seen this year, filled with brilliant performances and a plot that keeps you guessing until the end.  Readers of the best-selling book will be happy with this adaptation, and those who haven’t read it will love how twisted the storyline is.  Funny, yet also dark and depressing, it’s a tale about how quickly the media can turn a hero into a villain and how quickly we make judgments about people, often due to just their appearance. I will not be surprised when this film gets multiple Oscar nominations.   My Rating:  I Would Pay to See it Again  Gone Girl Website  

My View:  The Good Lie  (2014) PG-13  Three “Lost Boys”  escape the civil war in the Sudan and are transported to Missouri  by a humanitarian organization. There they encounter a fiery employment agency counselor (Reese Witherspoon).  Their meeting not only changes their world but her life, as well.  I was expecting this film to be like The Blind Side, with Reese  playing the plucky woman who dominates the film.  Instead we get a thoughtful, insightful film about the continuing problem of refugees being forced to live in camps for years and sometimes lifetimes without any hope of getting out.  This film also explores the idea of people having to deal with completely new situations while still being haunted by their past. There are some brilliant performances in this film, especially Arnold Oceng, who plays the leader of the little gang that relocates and Kuoth Wiel, who plays the sister of the boys who is sent to a separate city and has to survive without them.  My Rating: Full Price  The Good Lie Website

My View:  Annabelle  (2014) R  A couple (Ward Horton, Annabelle Wallis) acquire a vintage doll.  Soon after, horrifying things begin happening in the home. This is a prequel to the marvelous 2013 horror film, The Conjuring,” one of the best horror films of the past five years.  Unfortunately, this film isn’t as smart or creative as the first and goes for the easy scares with a storyline that is too easy to figure out.  By the way, the main character, Mia (Annabelle Wallis), has the creepiest doll collection known to man.  Skip this film and re-watch the first film - you will be much happier and very scared.   My Rating: Cable  Annabelle Website

Family Faire:  The Hero of Color City  (2014) G Crayons come to life while their owner, a little boy, is asleep.  Now a paper giant is threatening their home in Color City.  Only kids 6 years old and under will enjoy this film.  It’s very colorful and has a couple of mildly catchy songs, but the storyline is weak, and the animation is just ordinary.  My Rating: Cable  The Hero of Color City Website  

My View:  Left Behind (2014)  PG-13  An airline pilot (Nicolas Cage), his daughter (Cassi Thomson) and a reporter (Chad Michael Murray) are “Left Behind” after millions around the world just vanish in one moment.  The first clue that this film isn’t going to be good is in the opening scene, when the soundtrack starts up, which sounds like it was bought off of Craig’s List.  A photo-shopped picture of Cage and his family is so badly done, it looks like a five- year-old did it.  This film continually hits you over the head that you better get your life in order, because the rapture is going to happen and happen soon.  Cage sleep walks throughout the picture (you don’t even get that Cage over the top moment, which would have made this film at least a little campy). Most of the supporting cast looks as if they took the actors from the Nashville First Baptist Church variety playhouse.  As I said to a fellow critic as we left the theatre “If this film is this bad, how bad was the Kirk Cameron Left Behind film from 2000?” Apparently this one is worse.  My Rating:  You Would Have to Pay Me to See it Again  Left Behind Website

Indiefest:  The Notebook  (2014) R  Two boys (Laszlo and Andras Gyemant), a set of twins, are given a notebook to record their lives by their father (Ulrich Matthes), a German officer in Hitler’s army.  Their world is shattered when things start going bad for Germany, and they are sent off to live in Hungary with their Grandmother.  This a film that is very uncomfortable to watch as we see the boys go through all sorts of horrible things like molestation and beatings. At the same time, it is a moving film that delves deeply into how man treats man during times of war. There are some beautifully shot scenes of heartbreaking subjects, such as a forced march through town of a group of Jews on their way to the local concentration camp. This is a movie that I will only be able to see once, though I am glad that I did see it. My Rating: Full Price  The Notebook Website

Forgotten Film:  Girlfriends (1978)  PG  Susan (Melanie Mayron) is a photographer who has big dreams but is forced to shoot birthday parties and Bar Mitzvahs.  Her roommate, Anne (Anita Skinner), suddenly decides to marry a man she barely knows, leaving Susan without a roommate.  Susan’s love life isn’t any better, as she has an on again off again relationship with a college professor (Christopher Guest).  Mayron is the reason to see this film, and her performance is touching, funny and sad, sometimes all at the same time. It’s a fascinating film about the struggle to find yourself and how sometimes life’s ambitions are not always achieved. My Rating: Full Price  Girlfriends Info  

Weird Credits:  From the credits of Gone Girl:  Book covers Illustrator

Coming Soon to a Theatre Near You:  Alexander and the Terrible Horrible No Good Very Bad Day (2014) PG The trailer for this film looks like the outtake reel for an Adam Sandler film.  Any time you show a clip in the trailer (which is supposed to make me want to see the film) where a man gets kicked in the crouch by a kangaroo, I say “Um, no.”   Alexander and the Terrible Horrible No Good Very Bad Day Website 

Until Next Time!