My Bottom Ten Films of 2014

The Bottom Ten (okay, twelve) Films of 2014

1). Left Behind (2014)   How bad is this film? It makes the Kirk Cameron's film (of the same name) from 2000 seem like a masterpiece. This film should have been at least fun to watch because Nicolas Cage can chew scenery with the best of them. Sadly, he looks as if he was severely depressed and possibly on medication while making the film, and he seemed to make no effort to show any emotion. The film is summed up by a Photo-Shopped picture of a family that is so bad it looks as if it was done by a four-year-old with a dial-up modem and a fax machine.

2). Tusk (2014) It was painful and gross to watch this film, as a podcaster (Justin Long) is (spoiler alert) turned slowly into a walrus by a mysterious seafarer (Michael Parks). It's sad how far down writer / director Kevin Smith has come from his glory days of Clerks (1994) and Chasing Amy (1997).

3). Dumb and Dumber To (2014) What made this such a disappointment to watch is how this film totally lost the fun and sweetness of the first film. This film isn't funny and is mean spirited.  Lloyd and Harry, who used to be lovable, now just play horrible practical jokes on each other.

4). Ouija (2014) I think a movie based on "Chutes and Ladders" would have been scarier than this film. The plot never makes sense and is completely confusing. It's if the filmmakers wrote this script on the board itself.

5). Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014) When Megan Fox is on the screen more than the Turtles, you know you have problems. The filmmakers were convinced that they had to explain everything along the way, going overboard when the opening credits told the story that they then took the next fifteen minutes to explore again.

6).  And So it Goes (2014) It's hard to make a romantic comedy where the male lead (Michael Douglas) plays a character we actually hate. Yes, I know he is supposed to be changed by the love a good woman (Diane Keaton), but by the time it happens, we just don't care anymore. In fact, I want to yell at Keaton's character to run away as fast as she can. Unfortunately, I didn't heed my own advice.

7). Tammy (2014) At one point I started to feel sorry for Melissa McCarthy, handicapped by a bad script and poor jokes, until I remembered that she and her husband were responsible for this dreck of a film. It's a sad thing when the outtakes shown during the credits are the only funny parts.

8). Transformers: Age of Extinction (2014) It you love movies with loads of bad dialog and action sequences that make no sense, then this is the movie for you. The script feels as if Michael Bay just followed his son around while he played with some toys and took notes. The film is one long product placement movie that would be a great drinking game...the only way you will enjoy it.

9). Legends of Oz: Dorothy’s Return (2014) This sort of sequel to the Wizard of Oz will bore the kids by the first song (Good news - you will never buy the soundtrack.), and parents will want to leave by the end of the opening credits. Poor storytelling and even worse songwriting make this film so painful to watch.

10A). Transcendence (2014) I never cared if the researcher (played by Johnny Depp) ever got out of the computer he inhabits after he dies (don't ask how that happens). This is one of those films that I wanted to be over five minutes after it started.

10B). The Bag Man (2014) You would think a film noir movie that takes place in the Louisiana swamp and stars John Cusack and Robert De Niro would at least be watchable, but you would be wrong. Horrible dialog and plot that just never gets moving makes this film one of the worst of the year.

10C). Blended (2014) It wouldn't be a worst films of the year list without Mr. Adam Sandler. Sandler likes to make films where he can take his family on vacation. A couple of years ago, it was Hawaii with the horrible Just Go With It (2011). This year, it’s a film about two single-parent families who mistakenly go on an African vacation. The film felt like it was three hours long, had almost no funny material and couldn’t decide if it was a kid’s movie or a film for frat boys. So it did both, poorly.

Dishonorable Mention: Dracula Untold, Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day, The Judge, Annabelle, The Hero of Color City, The Man on Her Mind, The Identical, Jersey Boys, Need for Speed, 3 Days to Kill, The Nut Job, The Legend of Hercules, Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones  

300: Rise of an Empire

My View:  300: Rise of an Empire  (2014) R  Greek General, Themistokles (Sullivan Stapleton), leads his forces against the invading Persian forces led by the mortal-turned-god, Xerxes (Rodrigo Santoro) and the commander of the Persian navy, Artemisia (Eva Green).  No one will leave the theatre after this film saying, “I wish there had been more blood gushing on-screen in slow motion.” The film isn’t bad as action films go, with plenty of massive battle scenes, but I had two problems with the film.  One, the lead actor, Sullivan Stapleton, has absolutely no charisma, so we don’t see any reason why he inspires his men to battle against insurmountable odds.  Second, most of the battle sequences are fought on the water in big ships, which make the scenes very dark.  The two things I loved about the original 300 was Gerard Butler just filled the screen with his presence, and you believed it when he said “Prepare for Glory!”  Second, the first 300 was filled with bright colors and action in sunlight, which made the battle sequences a fest for the eyes.  This isn’t a horrible film, it’s just a little boring both in its storyline and appearance.   My Rating:  Bargain Matinee  300: Rise of an Empire Website

Family Faire:  Mr. Peabody and Sherman (2014) PG  Mr. Peabody (Ty Burrell)  is the world’s smartest dog. When Sherman (Max Charles), Mr. Peabody’s adopted son, uses a time machine to impress a girl, it causes problems. Now, Mr. Peabody and Sherman must travel across time and try and repair the damage. If they don’t succeed, the world as they know it, could come to an end.  Kids will enjoy this film.  It’s filled with bright animated scenes and full of action.  Adults will enjoy a few of the jokes and a few animated cameo scenes.  The film isn’t horrible, it’s just sort of bland, and it’s certainly not worth paying the extra money to see it in 3-D.  My Rating:  Cable  Mr. Peabody & Sherman Website

Indiefest:  Tim’s Vermeer (2014) PG-13  A modern day inventor, Tim Jenison, decides to investigate how Dutch Master Johannes Vermeer created his photo-like paintings.  Jenison becomes convinced in his research that Vermeer used some sort of projection device to help his paintings become so lifelike.  Jenison spends years trying to prove this to the art world.  This is a fascinating documentary about one man’s obsession to prove his theory.  Tim, a San Antonio inventor, takes  two hundred days to finish his project in hopes of proving his ideas.  The film moves at a quick pace, is informative, and, at times, really funny.  It’s helped by clever graphics and narrator Penn Jilette (of Penn and Teller fame).  After seeing this film, you will view paintings in a whole new light.  My Rating:  Full Price  Tim's Vermeer Website  

Indiefest:  The Bag Man (2014) R Jack (John Cusack) is hired by Dragna (Robert De Niro), a mysterious businessman, to take a bag to a seedy motel in the Louisiana swamps.  Jack meets all kinds of people at the motel, including the motel manager (Cripsin Glover), a one-eyed pimp (Sticky Finqaz), and a 6 foot tall hooker (Rebecca Da Costa).  It seems like everyone in the area is interested in getting the bag from Jack, one way or another.  This film never quite gets up a head of steam, as it seems to be stuck in the Louisiana swamp where the film takes place.  I enjoyed (as usual) the performances of Cusack and De Niro (who plays his part impressively restrained), but the rest of the cast seem stuck in parts that are horribly written.  It’s a film that should have been much better because of the leads, but just doesn’t work as a modern day Film Noir piece.  My Rating:  Cable  The Bag Man Website

Forgotten Film:  Birdy  (1984)  R  Birdy (Matthew Modine) and Al (Nicolas Cage) were two best friends growing up in South Philadelphia.  They have both returned from Vietnam damaged - Al with a face that had to be rebuilt and Birdy who has retreated into his own mind and won’t say anything.  Al is asked by the military doctors to try and get Birdy to respond to him.  If Birdy doesn't snap out of it, they will permanently put him away.  So, Al recalls all the great adventures they went on together as they were growing up, re-telling him the stories in an effort to get Birdy to respond.  This is a moving story that still is relevant today about how war can destroy people’s lives, both mentally and physically.   Both actors were just starting their careers, and Modine, especially, gives a touching and deeply felt performance.   My Rating: Full Price  Birdy Info

Weird Credits: From the credits of 300: Rise of an Empire:  Specialty Dummy Supplier

Coming Soon to a Theater Near You:  The Fault in Our Stars (2014) PG-13 Two teens meet and fall in love at a cancer support group.  Based on the best-selling novel, this film stars Shailene Woodley, who is quickly becoming one of the best young actresses of today.

Until Next Time!